College football has arrived and not a moment too soon for Dark Side. Because while the Olympics were at their best (and worst) this year, they’ll still never be able to touch us in the way a football Saturday can and our uncle Lou shouldn’t have.
Dark Side started keeping tabs on pro and college athletes sometime in early June. We’ve reviewed our archives from the past months and come up with the 10 programs who are going into the regular season in the best position to claim the coveted “country’s shadiest program” title at the end of the season.
Many factors contribute to the rankings including arrests, suspensions, NCAA violations, sanctions, negative alumni press and a multitude of other on and off-the-field program issues. Incidents contributing to the rankings are weighted by factors including number of participants, recency and the amount of publicity.
No school will be ranked higher because of a “historical” shadiness. Florida State, for example, received votes, but did not make it into the top 10. FSU’s being left out in the cold was not because the program hasn’t put together an impressive portfolio of debauchery over the past couple of seasons, but because they haven’t done much worth talking about since we started taking notes in June. The Alabamas and Miamis of the world will likewise not be hung for past sins, only celebrated for current lawlessness.
And as this week’s rankings show, Congress need not get involved as even non-BCS squads can get recognition. They just have to want it more.
The rankings will be updated weekly throughout the season as the shady-points really start to pile up and the off-season becomes a distant memory. So those ticked off about their arch-enemy’s May shooting spree that didn’t get factored into the rankings can relax. It’s a long season.
So without further ado, here are your 2008 preseason rankings:
1. Georgia
Bulldogs fans are celebrating their first opening of college football season atop both the AP and Coaches polls. They’re also celebrating the end of an off-season that featured as many arrests and suspensions as accolades for the Bulldogs squad. Off-field incidents to forget include bar and party fights, concealed weapons, hospital vandalism, the molesting of a pregnant woman, and public intoxication and urination.
2. Oklahoma
Incoming freshman wide receiver Josh Jarboe helped make it a forgettable off-season for the Sooner nation. The University showed its firm support for Second Amendment rights when it stood by Jarboe despite his arrest for bringing a gun to his Georgia high school. The school doesn’t appear to have the same love for the First Amendment, however, as Jarboe was later dismissed for a homemade Youtube video that featured Jarboe rapping about shooting, killing and his “find bitch Sonya.” Monster offensive lineman Phil Loadholt contributed a DUI to the team effort and even former Sooner legend Jamelle Holieway offered an alumnus hand with his continuing legal troubles. The coaching staff did itself no favors when it raised eyebrows by adding dismissed LSU lineman Jarvis Jones to the roster.
3. Arkansas
Bobby Petrino’s forgettable first summer in Fayetteville included a pair of DUIs from linebacker Freddy Burton and wide receiver Marques Wade, the arrest of running back Brandon Barnett, and linebacker Wendal Davis punching through the window of a car that had bumped his scooter.
4. New Mexico
The Lobos are looking to prove that BYU and Utah aren’t the only non-BCS schools that can compete with the big boys. Two former coaches were the masterminds behind academic fraud that earned the Lobos three years of probation.
5. Miami
The Miami Hurricanes made a late push for the Top 10 by suspending seven players including starting quarterback Robert Marve from the August 28 opening game against Charleston Southern. While far less than what Dark Side has come to expect from the Hurricane program, the tradition of debauchery at Suntan U leads us to believe the Hurricanes are simply saving their best work for the regular season. Former Hurricane quarterback Kenny Kelly also made the paper this off-season after being arrested charged with multiple felonies for dealing reefer to high school kids.
6. Ohio State
Ohio State dealt with its own off-field issues this summer when defensive back Eugene Clifford was arrested and dismissed after a Cincinnati bar fight. Defensive backs Donald Washington and Jamario O’neal also earned two-game suspensions for unspecified team violations. Defensive tackle Doug Worthington contributed a DUI while former Ohio State defensive end Jason Simmons kept the buckeye rolling with his sentencing for the sexual battery of a 14-year-old girl.
7. Louisville
Louisville wide receiver JaJuan Spillman made it a memorable off-season for Cardinals fans when he was arrested and pleaded guilty to drug and weapons charges following a July 3 arrest only one month after pleading guilty to marijuana possession charges stemming from a 2007 arrest. Matt Sims put his own affection for cheeba on display posing for an ill-advised photo that earned him a two-game suspension.
8. Penn State
Penn State, who has piled up more arrests and suspensions than wins over the past few seasons, continued to put together strong numbers with JoePa’s dismissal of Chris Baker and Phil Taylor and former wide receiver Chris Bell’s pleading guilty to “making terroristic threats.” Linebacker Navorro Bowman also contributed with a disorderly conduct charge after helping the dismissed Taylor beat up a Philadelphia man.
9. Alabama
Alabama Dark Side headliner Jimmy Johns ensured Alabama’s place on the wall of shame when Johns was arrested and charged with five counts of distributing cocaine. Alabama color analyst and legend Ken Stabler also earned his third drunken driving charge and was granted a leave of absence for the 2008 season.
10. Kentucky
The decision of who should start at quarterback for the Kentucky Wildcats was made by the state police this off-season after quarterbacks Curtis Pulley and Will Fidler, who were both expected to compete for the starting job, ran into legal troubles. Pulley was arrested for marijuana possession and traffic violations leading to his dismissal. Fidler was arrested and charged after a fight outside a Lexington restaurant.
Dishonorable mention: Virginia, Florida, Florida State, Iowa, Mississippi State, Texas, LSU, Michigan, Nevada
Dark Side is in need of a little help in finding a better name for it’s Disgrace Power Rankings. If anybody has an idea, leave us a comment or drop us an e-mail at darksideofsports[at]gmail.com
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4 users commented in " Dark Side’s College Football Power Rankings: Let the race to the bottom begin "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackYour comments about Miami are idiotic. Do you even know why seven Canes were suspended, or like most did you just see the headline and blog away?
Randy Shannon is laying down the law and literally suspended six players for missed study hall, cell phone use or wearing ball caps in the team’s practice facility. It’s the type of stuff other coaches wouldn’t even make their kids run laps over.
Robert Marve is out because he broke car mirror 10 months ago (wasn’t arrested or booked and charges were dropped).
Meanwhile, Preston Parker gets a two-game suspension at Florida State for toting a handgun and possession of marijuana — and Urban Meyer lets Ronnie Wilson back on the team, even though he beat some co-ed down, spit in his face, chased in in his car and fired offan AK-47 in an attempt to scare him.
But hey, Miami are the thugs. Nothing ever changes and if they were troublemakers in the 80s, let’s continue with the stereotyping….
The official reasons for the suspension of seven Miami players were not released, but the fact still remains that seven Hurricanes will not be suiting up for the opening game, which is more than any other team on the list.
Preston Parker was definitely bad. Fortunately for the Seminoles, Parker’s arrest occurred in May. As we noted in the article, this list started calculating naughtiness in June. You may also notice that FSU did get dishonorable mention despite staying largely out of trouble in the past three months.
Ronnie Wilson is back at Florida, which again contributed to the dishonorable mention recognition. Wilson’s original assault and battery charges stem from an April, 2007 incident. Again, we weren’t going back that far. We had to draw our line in the sand and say “as of this day forward.” Since we started keeping track in June of this year, there it was.
It seems like maybe your Florida brethren got the memo about Dark Side watching and knew it was time to straighten up and fly right.
We can assure you our intention is not to Cane-hate. If it makes you feel better, we were going back and forth on whether Ohio State or Miami deserved that number five spot more. In the end, it may have been Miami’s historical dominance in the area that was the tie-breaker. Can’t say for sure.
But hey you remember that Boston College game a few years back where Sebastian the Ibis got flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct? How many times you think Brutus has drawn a flag?
Again, we expect the rankings to change drastically change as the season drags on so don’t get too worked up just yet. One or two bench-clearing brawls with FIU will put the Hurricanes right back on top.
We kid… We kid…
Who are you kidding Cane-blogger? You don’t have to go back to the 80’s to find trouble at Thug U.
Hmm…. I seem to remember a Florida Internation brawl. And was the Criminole tunnel brawl the season before that? I didn’t even know about the Ibis getting flagged. What did he shoot somebody or something?
Only a Hurricane fan would take seven suspensions and try to make it into a sign of a coach running a tight ship. I guess if half the team gets declared academically ineligible it’s because the standards at Suntan U are so high, right?
Give me a break. Something stinks in Miami besides the way the Hurricanes are playing football and Shannon is more likely just doing his best to cover it up.
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