Cathy Willens/AP on USAToday.com

The U.N. Security Council is reportedly on standby after the Olympic matchup between the United States’ and China’s baseball teams moved us one step closer to the end of the world.
                      

The 9-1 United States victory included three ejections, seven hit batters and one player from each team being knocked out of the game.

Tempers began to flare in fifth inning after a collision between American baserunner Matt LaPorta and Chinese catcher Wang Wei resulted in an injured knee for Wang that led to his being replaced by backup Chinese catcher Yang Yang. The next U.S. batter, Jason Donald, was hit with a pitch, but the inning otherwise ended without further incident.

The sixth inning began with American Nate Shierholtz being hit in the shoulder with a pitch after which both benches were warned. Shierholtz made his way to third following a double and then tagged up and headed for home plate on a sacrifice fly to center field. The throw home was cut off, but that didn’t stop Shierholtz from making an incredibly hard slide into home plate and backup catcher Yang’s face. Yang had to be restrained by teammates and China’s manager Jim Lefebvre was ejected after arguing the borderline assault.

U.S. manager Davey Johnson and Chinese pitching coach Steven Ontiveros were then called out to discuss the increasingly heated game with the umpiring crew in hopes of staving of an international incident.

When Chinese pitcher Kun Chen drilled LaPorta with a fastball to the head to lead off the next inning, both Chen and Ontiveros were ejected. LaPorta was taken to a Beijing hospital where a CAT scan confirmed a mild concussion.

The game ended without a bench-clearing brawl or nuclear holocaust, but Dark Side is pretty sure President Bush has ordered the United States military to Defcon One and Homeland Security will be issuing a threat advisory of purple or teal or whatever color it is that reflects that fact that we all may die in our sleep tonight.

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