Lebron. Have you seen my four championship rings?

The tremors, chills, and stomach cramps are already starting for Dark Side, who can’t believe he has to wait until Thursday night for the NBA Finals to start.  Dark Side’s already begun looking for methadone clinics and AAU leagues to help ween himself off the junk after the the playoffs conclude.  In the mean time, Dark Side offers his NBA Finals predictions:

1. Andrew Bynum fouls out of every game trying to contain Dwight Howard.

2. When Gasol slides down to take Bynum’s place, Howard’s speed, strength and physical post play demands frequent double-teams.  The Magic continue to effectively work the inside-outside game, keeping them in every game of the series.

3. Gasol does his best to pull Howard away from the rim by posting at and looking to pass and shoot from the elbow.  Howard erases Gasol’s inside game.

4. Trevor Ariza’s defense causes people to forget Turkoglu plays for the Magic.

5. Fisher continues to struggle, leading to more minutes for Shannon Brown.

6. Odom’s strength advantage over Lewis shows up on the boards.  Lewis, who pulls Common out to the arc to defend against the triple, attacks the rim more than usual, leading to a healthy number of Dwight Howard dunks.

7. Dwight Howard finally hits the gym and starts working on his shoulders.

8. Sasha Vujacic continues to struggle shooting from anywhere but the corner, but succeeds at being an annoying pest on defense and in life.

9. Kobe is Kobe-esque.

10. Luke Walton attempts, and occasionally succeeds at keeping himself between the player he is defending and the rim.  He continues to look semi-retarded on offense, frequently dribbling the ball off his foot and laying bricks from twelve feet.  He gets no respect when he drives as defenders actually point and laugh at him.  For every five turnovers, he gets an assist from a well-placed entry pass.

11. Ron Artest does something crazy*

Lakers in seven.

*though admittedly not in association with a team participating in the NBA finals.

As you can all tell, Dark Side’s been a little busy lately.   It seems his boss thinks there’s a lot of work to do.  Dark Side can’t figure out what that has to do with him - but whatever.  Dark Side figures this guy pays Dark Side, which lets Dark Side pay the web hosting people, which lets Dark Side make fun of misbehaving athletes.  So Dark Side side will dance for you Mr. Boss Man.  But when you’re not looking, Dark Side will be back!

In the meantime, Dark Side requests that all athletes be on their best behavior.  We would hate for their naughtiness to go undocumented.  In the alternative, Dark Side recommends his readers watch lots of NBA playoff games.  There’s plenty of athletes behaving badly in those things.

The Lakers-Rockets game last night was chock full of random acts of violence.  Dark Side gives especially high marks to Derrick Fisher’s body check on Scola .  Dark Side also thought Kobe’s elbow to Ron Artest was interesting, if only for the stones it takes to elbow Ron Artest.  Have you not seen Artest’s work?  The elbow was the only time Kobe’s aim was off the whole 40-dropping night - Artest’s head was a good eight or nine inches above where Kobe got him.  And let’s face it, if you’re actually going to elbow Artest, you better make it count.

The Ron Artest we know and love

Former Jacksonville Jaguar and five-time Pro Bowl selection Jimmy Smith faces multiple drug charges after a Florida Highway Patrolman who pulled Smith over in Jacksonville Wednesday afternoon found crack and marijuana in Smith’s 2009 Mercedes Benz.  Smith was stopped for having excessive window tint, which prompts Dark Side to issue its monthly claim that excessive window tint leads to more arrests than it prevents.  Smith is also charged with driving with a suspended license. Smith spent ten years with the Jaguars before retiring in 2006.

For more: Sports Illustrated

According to two Fox Sports sources NFL wide receiver prospects Percy Harvin and Brandon Tate tested positive for marijuana at the February NFL combine in Indianapolis.  All combine attendants are required to submit to drug testing.  In the video below, ESPN’s Todd McShay breaks down why Harvin and Tate are either 1) stupid, or 2) potheads.  Dark Side is betting it’s a little of both because a smart pothead would have at least thought of buying a bottle of Gold Seal or one of the other eight million urine-cleaning products.

For more: ESPN | Fox Sports

Mississippi basketball coach Andy Kennedy pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in Cincinnati, Ohio on Monday.  The guilty plea was a part of plea deal by which Kennedy avoided jail time in connection with his December arrest for allegedly punching cab driver Mohamed Moctar Ould Jiddou in the face and called him “bin Laden” and “Saddam Hussein” after Jiddou refused to pickup Kennedy and four of his friends.  Kennedy still faces civil charges relating to the incident.

For more: Sports Illustrated

An Indianapolis judge has ordered Purdue freshman point guard Lewis Jackson to complete community service and spend a year under court supervision after Lewis pleaded guilty to illegal alcohol consumption and possession of drug paraphernalia on Monday.  Purdue coach Matt Painter has not yet announced any team discipline against him.

For more: ESPN

A Columbus judge fined Ohio State offensive tackle Doug Worthington $350 and ordered him to attend an alcohol intervention class as a result of Worthington’s January guilty plea to drunken driving.  Campus police stopped Worthington for speeding near Ohio Stadium on July 26 of last year. A breathalizer test revealed Worthington’s BAC to be over the legal limit.

For more: ESPN

Penn State linebacker Navorro Bowman has been sentenced to one year of probation after admitting to smoking marijuana twice in the last four months.  Bowman was already on probation for pleading guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct stemming from an on-campus fight in October 2007.  The sentencing judge warned the 20-year-old Bowman that any violation of his new probation agreement could result in six months of jail time.

For more: ESPN

Ray "Nut-jabber" Allen

Ray Allen showed the kind of class only a nine-time all star can bring to the table when he and Anderson Varejao got tangled up while battling for position after a foul shot during the Cavaliers weekend drubbing of the Celtics.  Varajao freed his entangled arm, which caused Allen to go tumbling to the floor.  Allen responded by pushing himself up off the floor and delivering a hard elbow to the Varejao family jewels.  Perhaps even more shocking than Allen’s sudden shot to the pills was that Varejao didn’t flinch or budge an inch.

Check out the Youtube replay here or watch the ESPN replay of the Celtic arse-whipping below.

Michigan State running back Glenn Winston was sentenced to 180 days in jail Monday for his role in an off-campus fight that seriously injured a Michigan State hockey player.  Winston pleaded guilty to aggravated assualt and battery and was suspended indefinitely from the Spartans football team in March.

For more: ESPN